Ambiguous Loss of a Loved One

      Experiencing the ambiguous loss of  a loved one can be a very painful and complicated experience. While doing a bit of research on this topic I came across an informational website, ambiguousloss.com. This website is mastered by Pauline Boss. Dr. Boss received her Ph. D in Child Development and Family Studies in 1975 and went on to research and publish on ambiguous loss theory. On her website she states, "Everyone experiences ambiguous loss if only from breaking up with someone, or having aging parents or kids leaving home." This statement is, in my opinion, essential to understanding and coping with an ambiguous loss. What I appreciated most about her website, though, was this excerpt from the Four Questions page on her website:

Why does (ambiguous loss) matter?

Ambiguous loss freezes the grief process and prevents closure, paralyzing...function.

     What is so important to consider about ambiguous loss is how hard it is for one to find a sense of closure or comfort. While you may not be able to relate to someone's loss, please try to empathize with the difficulty of what they are feeling. She says, "With ambiguous loss there is no closure; the challenge is to learn how to live with the ambiguity." I do agree with this statement, but I would like to believe that learning to live with the ambiguity is sense of closure for those experiencing this kind of loss. Dr. Boss' website is very helpful on the topic of ambiguous loss and she has even authored two books on the topic. Check out the link above if you would like to know more.*

Thanks for reading, and until next time, 

Be Well.

So, Why Am I So Sad?

     One my first ever experiences with ambiguous loss was in the summer of 2009. I had just graduated high school, started a new and better paying job, and was gearing up for my first semester of college. I was in a wonderful place, and then I lost my cat. I had adopted Sugar, my lynx point Siamese kitten, a few months before from the MSPCA at the age of six weeks. She was so tiny when I brought her home that she had to wear a bell so that I could find her when she went under my bed or other furniture. She used to curl up and sleep right in the nook of my neck and every morning at precisely 6:28 (my alarm went of at 6:30) she would wake me up with a gentle paw at my face. 

    One day I received a call from my mother saying that I needed to come get Sugar. I was confused at first, "What do you mean get?" Apparently another family member of mine found a flea on her and was demanding that she be removed from the house. Now, Sugar is an indoor cat and if she did have a flea on her it was most likely just one, and most likely brought in from outside. I explained this and tried offering everything I could from a flea collar to trying Advantix. My family member could not be reasoned with and threatened to "let her out" if I didn't come get her. I went to the house and put her into her carrier. Then I immediately purchased flea medication, applied it, and went to my boyfriend's house to wait for things to cool off. 

     Things did not cool off. When I called back a few hours later to ask if I could bring her back, now that she had been medicated, I was told, "No. You have to figure out something else.". My grandmother was an option, they said. I could bring Sugar there and that way I could visit her. The shelter was another option. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I was hysterical. I didn't understand why I was being forced to get rid of my cat, who I had been raising for several months. I feel so blessed for what happened next. My boyfriend stepped up to the plate and said we were going to bring her to his (parent's) house. He explained to his mother what was happening and she agreed to let Sugar stay with them. My boyfriend's family already had two cats, one whom we adopted the same time as Sugar. In a state of slight shock I let her out of the crate to walk and smell around my boyfriend's house. I agreed to pay for 1/3 of the cat food, litter, medicine, ect. 

      I did not go home for five days. I was very upset throughout this whole time, often breaking down and crying. I could not help but feel I was losing her. She was my baby, who I had taken care of since she was literally a baby. No longer would be home waiting for me when I arrived. No longer would she prance into the kitchen when she heard me getting her food ready. I received a lot of sympathy from my boyfriend, but not many other people. I still got to see her almost every day so in the eyes of my friends, what was the big deal? One "friend" even had the audacity to say to me, "Hey, this is better right? You get all the cuddle without having to clean up the crap." My friend was right, but caring for a pet is not just about cuddling. Animal people, you get it. I myself began to think, "I still have her. I still get to see her at least once a week. When we move out I will see her and take care of her everyday. So, why am I so sad?" I understand now that I was experiencing an ambiguous loss. Because I did not know how to deal with this ambiguous loss my sadness was dragged out for months. 

     Due to financial difficulty my boyfriend and I were not able to move out that summer like we anticipated. We were not able to move out until this past New Year, 2013. Sugar lived with my boyfriend's family for just under four years. During this time I did get to see her and care for her and she was always "mine" but I didn't really feel like she was mine. When we moved out in January I felt joyous upon our "re-union". I didn't realize at the time what I was experiencing. Having been able to put some kind of name on it has really helped me to come to terms with my feelings during that period of my life.

Exploring Ambiguous Loss

     Hello and welcome to my blog, Exploring Ambiguous Loss. If you haven't already read my blog description and bio, allow me to tell you a bit about myself and this project. I am a senior in an undergraduate Psychology program and minoring in Social Work. My focus for the last four years has been counseling and cognitive/behavioral psychology. My goal, in the future, is to be accepted into an MSW (Master of Social Work) program and eventually become a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. This semester I am taking a course called Psychology of Loss where we will be studying theories of grief and loss and exploring specific kinds of loss such as homelessness, divorce, cancer, and HIV/AIDS. For our final project we are assigned to create an e-portfolio in which we explore a topic of loss not covered in class. In this blog I will exploring the topic of ambiguous loss. I will be making comparisons to the theories learned in class, discovering and referencing different kinds of ambiguous loss, researching materials dedicated to the topic of ambiguous loss, and hopefully shedding some light onto the matter for anyone who reads this blog. 

     Before I begin my exploration of ambiguous loss I would like to briefly define it for those who may not have come across the term before. I, myself, have only recently become familiar with the term. I will start by defining grief. In reality, grief is a multi-faceted emotional, cognitive, behavioral, physical, and social response to a loss. However, conventionally it is defined as a sadness towards the death of someone. I admit that when I enrolled in this course I was fully expecting to learn about coping with death and perhaps counseling methods to help the bereaved. That is only one small aspect of grief and loss. Disenfranchised grief is a term used to describe the kind of grief one experiences at a loss that is not particularly understood, validated, or supported by the people who support the grieving person. As you can imagine, this is extremely difficult for someone who is grieving to experience. Ambiguous loss is a kind of disenfranchised grief where one may not be able to clearly define who or what is lost.  When my younger brother was diagnosed with ADHD I experienced a sense of loss for the ease I had hoped he could navigate life with. Ambiguous loss can be quite confusing and hard to adjust to. While I certainly sensed loss after my brother's initial diagnosis I also felt guilt because I had known friend who had lost siblings to traumatic events and I imagined they would have been very angry with me for these feelings seeing as I still had my brother with me. Another concern with ambiguous loss is that often the grieving person's family, friends, and other social support systems do not know how to comfort or reassure someone who is experiencing an ambiguous loss.

     I chose this topic because I believe that ambiguous loss is a common occurrence in everyday life. I feel that many people experiencing this kind of loss do not seek professional help during this time and that is due to a "grief stigma" that those only those grieving after a death have validation for their sense of loss. I hope to expand my awareness of who experiences feelings of loss and why and how to understand and validate those feelings. I also hope that if you're reading this you may come to understand grief in a new way as well. 

Thanks for reading, and until next time, 

Be well.